Hey Donkeys! Let’s mule-kick it into gear! The Bob and Brian Open is coming up, and as most people know, it is one of my favorite golfing events of the entire calendar. I get to play in a lot of golf outings, and there are not many that I truly look forward to every summer. Theirs is one.

Now we are starting a NEW tradition for that Bob and Brian weekend, and my annual visit to greater Southeast Wisconsin.

It is… drumroll…. “The Inaugural Czabe.com/OnMilwaukee.com Ham and Egg Open at The Bog!” (Okay, the name might need to be shortened, but we’ll deal with that later…)

We’re talking a fabulous day of golf, the day before the Annual B&B Open. This year’s date: Thursday August 4th at The Bog.

Let me try to summarize the kind of event this is going to be. K-I-C-K A-S-S.

Here’s the scoop….

- Format: 2-man, Captain’s Choice. Allows teams to be competitive for the coveted Ham and Egg Title, but also allows teams that are just playing for fun, to survive a championship layout like The Bog with some balls left in the bag.

- Custom Gear: Every player gets a sweet-ass $80 value Nike windshirt with the Ham and Egg logo. Instant collector’s item! I’ll autograph any and all of them, you can make a killing on EBay!

- Food, Glorious Food. We’ve got a spread that will have you reaching for your belt buckle to loosen it up a notch or two by the day’s end. You might say: “Damn, I sure sucked today on the course. But man, am I stuffed!”

- Beer. Elixir of the Gods. Yes, we have beer. “Free” beer. I say “free” because, well, you DID pay to play the event. You can’t just walk in off the street and drink free beer and pass out in your own vomit on the 5th tee. But once you are in the Ham and Egg, there will be Leinenkugels as far as the eye can see. My motto: “Every tee box, shall be a beer garden.”

- Cool auction items. We’re talking autographed team balls from The Bucks, Brewers, Packers, Reigning MLS Champion Milwaukee Wave and golf memorablia including autographed flags and pictures from golf greats. Plus, Czaban has autographed Donkey gear, Jimmy Masterlock gear, and an autographed compendium of every Bob and Brian album he’s ever appeared on. Proceeds go to charity. Good times.

- Hole In One Sweet Action. Ever notice how Hole In One prizes at golf events are getting pretty lame? I mean, I’ve seen a “prize” of a new set of clubs for a hole-in-one. Please. At the Ham and Egg, we do it right. Ace equals car. Period. And we ain’t talkin’ Honda Civic. We’re talking a hole in one, equals a brand new Chrysler 300 courtesy of Ernie Von Schledorn Jeep-Chrysler.

- Mo’ Prizes. We’re backing up the gravy truck (or is it gravy train?) with all kinds of good stuff. Long drive, closest to the pin, furthest from the pin (yes, I’m serious), long putt and many more creative awards. We’ve got restaurant certificates, free rounds at the Bog, sweet lower level Brewers tickets, golf from the Milwaukee County Parks and top of the line golf merchandise.

- Chance to play with Steve-O! That’s right, every twosome that signs up, will be eligible to slide into the VIP spot with yours truly. We’ll have a “Monster Putt” contest just prior to tee off on Thursday. Every player will get a crack at holing a 90-footer on the putting green. If you make it, or your twosome comes closest to the pin, you’ll be riding in style!

- Snicky Slide Show. After the round, when everyone is dirty, sweaty and buzzed, get ready for a unique multi-media presentation by yours truly. I know that the incredible runaway popularity of Czabe.com is driven by you guys who are always cruising for “soft” porn snicky snacks. Get me a few beers, a podium and microphone, and who knows what will happen next. We’ll have a visual count-down of the 100 hottest babes to have graced the front page of Czabe.com in the last year. Big fun. No nudity, just PG-13 hotness and lots of hoots and hollers.

- A Course of Our Own. That’s right. The Bog is shuttin’ er down, just for us. We’ll have the run of the place. No slow playing old men in pull carts in front of us. Just us, and a phenomenal layout for a great day of golf.

So, what are you waiting for? Okay, I am sure some of you are waiting to see if you get into the Bob and Brian. I get that. It’s cool. But here’s my thought. First, you should take TWO days off work, play the Ham and Egg, followed by the B&B and then play two more days over the weekend. Make it your once-a-year golf-a-palooza. But if you can’t do that, and can only play one of the two events, sign up for the Ham and Egg, and you can CANCEL your entry if you get into the B&B later this week. No strings attached.

I know we’re going to build a great event, and appreciate those who have already signed up. We have some spots left before we sell out, and I hope you get off the fence, and jump on board.

Trust me, your buddy Czabe. This is going to be one helluva show. Here’s your link to sign up. Now get after it, and get that game ready!

Czabe

Random golf notes I heard, saw or read about today….

1. David Duval is fat again. Okay, not fat, just pre-skeletor Duval. He was knocking it around at Westchester and I did a double take. He looks like the Pre-1999 Duval. I heard that he just had a child with his new wife. Congrats. I respect that he’s fighting his guts out on Tour to regain his form. Very brave.

2. One reason why Michelle Wie might be playing better in LPGA Tour events this year? She’s got a real caddy now. Her psycho dad BJ is off the bag, and former Tour looper Jimmie Johnson who used to carry for Nick Price.

3. Speaking of caddies, how sweet would it be to get now-pro stud Ryan Moore’s bag? Announcers on USA said today that Moore DOES NOT USE A YARDAGE BOOK! Claims that it’s “too many numbers.” He just wants a) Distance to middle of green. 2) Plus/minus on where the pin is. Now THAT’s a true “feel” player. I think Moore is going to quickly be in the Czaban “Hot Tub” of favorite Tour players.

John Feinstein in his AOL golf column has the best final word on Tiger’s “bitchslapping” of the 9th green at Pinehurst last week. I don’t want to harp on this, because it was not THAT big a deal in and of itself, but I had yet to read about how USGA course set-up guy Tom Meeks actually DID speak to Tiger afterward. Here’s Feinstein…..

(There) is no excuse for what he did during Friday's second round, when he missed a putt on the ninth green and proceeded to drag his putter across the grass, digging up the surface so noticeably that even the NBC commentators, who, like most in golf normally do everything but wear cheerleader outfits when Tiger's on the course, felt the need to chide him.

Woods made a half-hearted attempt to repair the damage, but it was still so noticeable when he left the green that USGA executive director David Fay got on his walkie-talkie and ordered the rules official walking with Woods' group to get someone to go back and repair the green before the next group arrived and someone threw a fit over its condition.

Fay then sent Tom Meeks, his senior executive on site, to have a "talk" with Woods when he finished his round. There was nothing the USGA could do to penalize Woods - he violated no rule - unless it wanted to disqualify him for his behavior, which it had the right to do. That would have been extreme. But the half-hearted statement Meeks put out wasn't even a wrist slap and Woods deserved a stern talking to from someone. There's simply no excuse for damaging the golf course. Wood said later, without apologizing, that he was, "frustrated." There were 156 frustrated golfers playing that day. Only one damaged a green.

This makes two years in a row Woods has been un-apologetic after an embarrassing Friday incident at the Open. A year ago, Williams, his vigilante caddie, kicked a camera from the hands of a photographer who was taking shots of Woods warming up - which he had an absolute right to do. Williams didn't apologize and neither did Woods. The USGA did nothing. Same deal this time. Here-in lies the problem: as long as Woods is treated as if he's above the law, he will continue to act this way. Only when someone tells him he needs to behave like a grownup -- he's 29 now, a nine-year tour veteran -- will he do so.

And…. As Forrest Gump once said…. “and that’s all I have to say.. about that.”

Mike Riley of Panama City writes...

Why Lord why must this happen to us? Chris Berman doing the US Open - again!? I just heard him say Brandt "Patience of " Jobe. K.J. "Choi To the World". I love ESPN beacuse of the way they changed sports on TV, but this insanity makes me yearn for "Love's Theme" and Jim McKay.

Is it okay to hope boomer chokes on a hotdog during a commercial break? Surely there is a meaningless AL baseball going on today for him to cover? I mean I don't want him to die or anything, just something that makes him unable to speak until say Tuesday (in case there's a playoff)?

REACT: Sadly, I can hardly muster the strength to protest this annual outrage of ESPN's "Orca The Event Hog" nosing his way into a sport that he knows almost NOTHING about.

I am bewildered that the USGA, as ANAL as they are about all kinds of things regarding their "Open Championship" would not have put their foot down and said either Berman goes, or we'll shop the coverage to another network.

Here's the ultimate irony: Gary McCord has been banned from the Masters, but Berman the Hack ruins the US Open every year on Thursday and Friday.

Kudos to Michelle Wie for making it to the 64 man (ahem… “64 person”) finals of the US Amatuer Publinx championships to be held in mid-July. She shot a one-over par 36 hole total of 145 on the Cedarbrook Golf Course in Belle Vernon, PA. Wie matched Artie Fink Jr. of Altoona.

Couple of things. First off, I give her full credit for this accomplishment. Just making the 64-player final “grid” is pretty epic. Last year she missed, so obviously, that’s progress. Now, let’s see how she does in the match play portion against some damn good college aged young studs. Remember, last year Ryan Moore won this event, and he’s already made the Masters and finished as low-amatuer.

Secondly, could there be a better nerd-like name than “Artie Fink Jr.” of Altoona, PA? God what I wouldn’t give to see a photo of ol’ Artie. And what about Artie Fink Sr? He must be a nerdy looking dad with thick black glasses and a pocket protector. Has to be.

Finally, there’s a larger beef I have with the USGA in regard to their “restrictions” for those who can be considered “Public Links” players. The rules state that the tournament is open to amateurs who are “bona-fide” public course players who have “not held privileges at any course which does not extend playing privileges to the general public.”

The rules also make an exception for college golfers who might have a private “home” course for the team, as well as a slew of “other exemptions” and “interpretations of eligibility.” My beef (and this goes way back even before Wie) is that if you are going to have a US Amatuer and a US Public Links as separate events, then the Publinx needs to be FAR more restrictive toward the average Jimmy-weekend player.

That means D-I college golfers don’t belong in the event, because they CERTAINLY receive “privileges” above and beyond the normal “bona fide public links player” - not to mention coaching and all kinds of other perks.

And in the case of Wie, sheesh. She’s essentially an LPGA Tour player!!! Talk about “priviledge!” But hey, I’m SURE that Wie’s “home” course in Hawaii where she “keeps her handicap” is just a humble little muni where you put your ball in the rack on the first tee for a tee-time.

Bottom line: if this is the supposed to be the “people’s tournament” then college players, quasi-tour pros, and the like need to be weeded out. There are plenty of competitive events for those players already.

Put this post in the category of "I'm Just Wonderin...."

What if Annika Sorenstam looked like Natalie Gulbis? How much higher would LPGA ratings be on television on a weekly basis? 10% higher? 20%? More? I know it is terribly sexist, but lets be honest: men ARE pigs. We like to ogle good looking chicks.

And hot chicks who also play sports are double-bonus points hot for most of us. Personally, I think Ms. Gulbis is a touch over-rated. A bit short for my liking, and the frontcourt (while formidible when you size it up) is more than she needs.

Imagine if Gulbis were winning week in, week out, like Annika. Men would certainly rather watch her get up and down from a well manicured greenside bunker while sitting on the couch on Sunday in front of the TV alot more than perhaps watching Lumpy Herron sweat through his Dockers.

Not that Annika doesn't have snicky potential, its just that ever since she got divorced, it seems like she's not wearing any make up at all while she plays. She also seems to have some bad acne working, which perhaps is a result of the stress on her personal life.

One thing is for sure: Annika is a golfing machine, and there's pretty much nobody else on the LPGA that can do a damn thing about it.